I open my eyes

I open my eyes.

I feel the warm blankets and soft pillow. I inhale the safe feeling of this cocoon.

The early sunlight is gliding across the ceiling. I enjoy this moment of amnesia before the day begins.

This brief moment before the TO DO LIST of the day floods my thoughts. Before the anxiety and overthinking and doubt and dread cloud and block my motivation.

I am capable of all I need to do today. I am healthy and have minimal responsibilities this semester. I have no one to take care of besides myself and my cats. I don’t have to work. I am super lucky.

But somehow, I convince myself that it is too much.

Whatever it is, it is too much.

This is not my every day. But it is my sometimes.

And sometimes can feel like always when you are in the middle of it.

Sometimes I am showered and ‘ready to go’ for my zoom class. Sometimes my camera is off and I haven’t even washed my face. Sometimes I get a morning run in before class. Sometimes I am still in my pajamas.

What I try to remember in the midst of the sometimes, is just that. It is temporary. It is fleeting. I will have another chance tomorrow to do better.

We are all adjusting to this ‘new normal’ and sometimes it is too much.

It is ok to be upset and frustrated and not at 100%.

It is ok to not be ok.

I close my eyes.