It’s what’s in my heart.
It’s what I’ve been struggling with.
It’s what God has been Teaching me about.
I don’t know who else needs this today, but I have sure needed a few days to process before I wrote.
Monday morning I went outside at 4:30a to begin blowing and clearing out our yard after another day of snowing and blowing the previous day.
This has become a weekly routine this winter…as many of you have added it to your routine as well – whether we like it or not.
Sunday a.m. – in the midst of our blizzard – I decided to go outside and make a video of myself, singing a Praise song with the wind and cold stinging my face, and send it to my husband and some friends who were also worshiping that morning – IN TEXAS…where it was t-shirt weather. I basically HAD to make myself do this, as I was struggling with a lot of jealousy in my heart, feeling left out that I wasn’t there too.
You see – I had the chance to go.
Thomas wanted me to fly down to San Antonio this past weekend to help him drive back home. He’s been on the road for the past 2 weeks setting up his Sound System for Ministry Events. We talked about it a month ago – praying for guidance as to if it was a good choice for me to go.
But as I prayed, and evaluated the winter, children, grandma and grandpa, storms, what-ifs, and a few other factors that were not in my control – I decided it was best if I did not go.
And what I feared could happen DID happen.
We endured another blizzard.
The yard needed to be cleared.
I had problems with our tractor – a few that I could fix in the moment, and 2 that I could not and needed a neighbor to help me with today.
My parents would have been overwhelmed with all of the circumstances.
The choice was hard to say NO.
But time had shown that my answer was the WISE choice.
After I sent that Praise video to my friends, the responses I received were those of joking about how nice the weather was down there. We joke frequently with one another, so no big deal.
But one of the responses was, “See – you should have come.”
I know that my friend who said this did not mean it in a harsh way, but since that was the battle I had been fighting and fighting – that was the one that was hardest for me to swallow.
That was Sunday.
As I got in the tractor Monday morning – and I shoveled and pushed and blew to clear out every corner and open space and lane that I had cleared a few days ago … Satan gave my heart a good work-over. He knew this was my weak place today. He knew I was sensitive, and worn out physically and mentally, and jealous, and THIS was the battle HE KNEW that he could fight with me.
I had made the HARD CHOICE to stay home.
I had made the Choice to put my family first before a fun time.
I had made the Choice to not put extra strain on my parents.
So as I stewed in that tractor cab, a bolt broke and I had to pull into the shop to fix it. As I was finding a bolt that would work from one of my husband’s Neatly Organized trays, the tray slipped off the place I had set it on and fell onto the floor.
A few bolts spilled out, but others stayed inside the tray – mixing themselves around.
It was no longer neatly organized.
And this was the perfect picture of how I felt inside.
My heart broke into tears.
Just one more thing to be stacked and added onto the pile of ‘what’s Not going right today’.
Even though I knew my decision was the wise and right decision – it still hurt that I was missing out on the warmth and fun and friends. And even in the midst of me trying to put on a ‘Happy Face’ to combat my jealousy, and encourage those who were in a good place to enjoy their worship…the battle had become almost too strong.
I will tell you – I did not lose the battle that day.
God allowed me, in that tractor, to fight it out.
And then He came alongside, as He always does, and reminded me that He sees every circumstance, and I do not.
In my blindness – it’s easy to think that my husband was enjoy all this time with his friends – doing what he loves and having fun and eating good food. But along with that – Monday afternoon he sent me a text that said, “Yes – I’ve had a good time, but I miss you so much; I’m just ready to be home, but I still have a 2-days drive ahead of me.”
I was reminded to pray earnestly for him.
We are in this Ministry together.
My job for now is to be here;
His job is/was to be there.
We NEED one another.
We NEED to each do our part.
Max Lucado reminded me that The Apostle Paul wanted to be a Missionary in Spain; but God sent him to prison in Rome. Paul made the decision not to feel sorry for himself, but instead to say, “Well… as long as I’m here, I might as well write a few letters.” Hence in our Bibles, we have the the letters to Philemon, the Philippians, the Colossians, and the Ephesians.
I have Choices to make amidst my disappointments.
May I have wisdom enough to say,
“Well…as long as I’m here….”