I shouted out in my car – “WHYYYY?!! WHY GOD?!”

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This morning we have another very heartfelt post from our Dear Sister in Christ Lynn Stoneking of Maranatha Ministries in Windom, Minnesota! God Bless you Sister for sharing with us!!! Thank you! We love you and yours so very much!!! You and your family are such an awesome testimony to us all!

Maybe it’s time for this;
Just my gut.
I haven’t shared with many people – really, only 3 now.
My husband and 2 friends.
But here goes….

35 days ago, I learned many lessons. I dropped everything to rush to the Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis to simply sit with my friends Jeromy and Beth. Their son Andrew’s heart was shutting down.

I hung out with them in A’s room, full of machines, for about 90 minutes. We talked a bit; they filled me in on his current status, I cried with them, we hugged, we made small-talk.
I looked at the art projects Andrew had made the previous 10 days to pass the time while staying there.

Honestly – I now know that I did not understand the full picture of what was taking place. It was after 90 minutes that I did not want to overstay my welcome. Had I know that the doctors were going to evaluate his brain activity to get a full picture of if any damage that may have occurred, I would have stayed.

It was 90 minutes later after I had left that Andrew’s dad called me in tears, to tell me we were going to lose Andrew.
I was half way home.
I immediately turned around to drive back to the hospital.
To simply be with.

This is where it happened.
I know the place;
I know the town.
I know the exact piece of pavement.
I see it all in my mind, where I was.

You see, I’m not a big questioner of Almighty God.
Even through my family’s journey with my dad’s health, I have never heard them verbally question Him in pain.
That doesn’t mean my parents didn’t; I just didn’t hear it.
That was my example.
I’ve lived that same Faith.

But on that piece of pavement, I felt this urge welling up in my chest. I had never felt it before. I felt this push to say it. Tears began to form.

I heard Him say, “Just say it.”

I couldn’t! I couldn’t say it!
To say it would be going against what I have practiced for so long, right?! It would go against the Trust that I said I have in the Creator and Sustainer of Life!

If I said it…it would be like saying He failed me.

But then I gently heard him beckoning me to ‘say it’.
And so I did.

 

The dam broke and the bitter tears flowed rapidly….

And I wonder – if in that moment, I took one more step toward my Father in Faith?
Not that I had damaged it, but that I had enhanced it?
For when I arrived at that Cardiac Floor – to weep with a mother and father, to hold a broken grandmother, to embrace a big brother, to hug and support another friend – I could not pretend to understand anymore than anyone else there. I simply didn’t understand.

As I look back, that moment in my car was a starting point to a different level of Faith for me.

I understand the pain of my friend John better now; a story of loss that I’ve heard him share for 10 years. I get it now.

I see my friend Pamela better now – a mother + grandmother’s broken heart.

The psalmist David – his writings constantly penetrate my soul. He hurts; he yearns; he desires; he scorns.
Yet – he keeps trusting. He keeps praising.

Exhale…

I have learned in my almost-40-yr-old-state that the ‘Why’ may be the next level to the Father.
For in the ‘why’, I suddenly allow Him to craft and explain His answer to me…instead of never wanting an answer.
I’ve learned that Trust doesn’t = Blind.
Maybe Trust = Obedience, in the midst.

Maybe now – I’ve finally entered into an important conversation; one that I want to be a part of.

Amen. ????

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